Tour de Oak Ridge 5/10-5/15/19
A review by Super Fan Lil’ Randy
I would like to begin by apologizing for my lapse in keeping up with my reviewing duties. It has been a tough and violent time up here on the Dirt Farm. I have been in a tooth and nail battle the past week and a half with the raccoon incursion I mentioned in my last review. It has been a long, bloody, KY jelly filled, and dirty fight. The raccoons finally succumbed to my battlefield tactics of a constant air assault of possums (the raccoon kryptonite) and round the clock audio assault of blasting “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton from all porches and windows of my house. I almost thought I would crack before they would, but by last Friday afternoon, the raccoons were waving a white flag. Because they surrendered on Friday, that meant I had to miss The Deadbeat Scoundrels show at The Wild Boar Tavern in Powell. I, the raccoon leader Ray Guevara, and his second in command, Harvick the Obscure Custodian Jr. signed the peace treaty (Treaty of Sticky Derriere Run) at 9:17pm Friday night. I lost a lot of good Highland Longhorns, but I now have a coonskin cap and matching coonskin underwear for everyday of the week! The raccoons revealed that they had mastered the art, yes art, of reproducing through parthenogenesis, that is giving birth from an ovum without fertilization (and they somehow did it rapidly). This form of reproduction is often seen in some invertebrates and lower plants. Snakes have been known to do it too, but rarely is it seen in mammals. Those little shits had mastered it. I didn’t ask too many questions. I was just happy to see this mess resolved.
I was able to sneak out and catch a couple of shows while all this was going on, though. I left things in the hands of my second in command, Colonel TricklePeter Pulaski esq. He’s a good man, and should be commended for his efforts in the Maynardville raccoon war of 2019. Anyway, I was able to catch two shows. The first was at Crafters Brew in Oak Ridge on the 10th and the second was at Calhoun’s on the Peninsula on the 15th, also in Oak Ridge. The boys were on fire at both shows, literally. That setting sun in the Oak Ridge sky will melt the wax right out of your sideburns if you aren’t careful. The guys powered on. At both shows, they took the sexy route and they weren’t wrong in doing so. They took quite a different route at both shows, and instead of playing their usual songs, they read manifestos about yesteryear and the future. Luckily, I was able to record both manifestos and have transcribed them both here for you:
8/10/15 - Crafters Brew: If one wants to start a revolution, they can’t take themselves too seriously. They can’t worry about the price of creamer or half and half. That will work itself out. All they need to worry about is covering themselves in head to toe Vaseline and giving the best effort of showmanship at karaoke Thursday. People need to be one of three things after you perform: nauseated, sexually aroused, or sexually frustrated. You pick, don’t let them. It’s too much for the mere meat loving voter of today and tomorrow. Let’s face it, people don’t like to make decisions. So you make them and they don’t have to. Hell, if I had my way, everyone would wear ceremonial headdresses constructed from repurposed underwear with a nice poly cotton blend and a suggestion, not hint, of coriander and shavings from a wooden plunger handle. The average meat voter likes to huff sunscreen with an SPF of no less than 75, cause that shit is the bomb. The accidental ferrets is the name of my karaoke/improv troupe. We’re critically acclaimed for incoherent use of various types of mustard on stage. The truth is out there, and it is probably shopping at dress barn.
Pretty profound and enlightening if you ask me, but wait, there was more.
Calhoun’s on the Peninsula: Vengeance will be had and it will come in the form of a tall cup of well creamed coffee. Giving a broad overview of the day of reckoning, it will be mostly cloudy and 53 degrees, which means we’ll be grilling out, singing college fight songs, and reading from Faulkner. We don’t want to ruin the night life, so this will be an all you can eat buffet of biscuits and gravy, with a side of get your shit together. The precious keepsakes that we’re lost in the latest meth lab explosion will be front and center, and discussed. You’re not getting that stuff back, and that is decades worth of airbrushed t-shirts. Time to let it go. That new Dick Nixon documentary will be viewed, but not the mainstream one the man wants you to know about. The one were he rails against the left and the media while eating pudding in the nude. It’s intense. Lotta close ups. This is the day of reckoning after all, so those images need to be burned into your mind. But I digress...don’t spread mustard on cats. They’ll just eat it and get addicted to mustard. Free-style rap battles will be featured at the day of reckoning cookout. We may even have a surprise sponge bath assault on corporate radio. This is why we can’t have nice things. Anyway, follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, swipe right on Tinder!
So, I don’t think I have anything else to add here. They took a rather unorthodox approach to both shows and truthfully, I think Oak Ridge got its monies worth. So, until next time, keep your sideburns waxed and your coffee well-creamed!